Control often gained by sharing with others

We are a society that revolves around control. The structures we live with every day are organized and predicated on a hierarchy and someone being in charge. Our government works this way. Our education systems work this way. Businesses work this way.
Companies have organization charts to illustrate who ranks where and who has the power of decisions. These charts, at least on paper, say that one person is above another, and someone is above them, eventually reaching the CEO or president at the top. Even then, that individual has above them an entire board of directors.
Most employees aspire to move up the organization. Doing so equates to more pay, more responsibility and a belief that there is more control. The title is supposed to somehow imbue on someone the ability to control resources (people) in order to produce desired outcomes.
The illusion in this thinking is that the more someone exercises a sense of control, the less control they actually have. Control imparted by a title is a power over perspective. The thinking is that, by the power invested in me with my title, I can control you and what you do.
The reality is that exercising hierarchical control makes people feel unsafe. Hierarchical control robs people of their sense of accomplishment and meaningfulness. Merely doing as we are told is inherently dissatisfying.
The need to be safe is built into our DNA. If we perceive a threat, real or imagined, we naturally, and usually without thinking, take actions to alleviate the threat. We use our energy for safekeeping purposes.
When we focus our energy on safekeeping we divert focus from the tasks, goals and desired outcomes handed to us. Hence, the individual believing they are in control actually has little control over the outcomes. The control of outcomes rests with the employees, and because they are spending their energy on protecting themselves the desired outcomes are not met. Further, when we strive to maintain control we must divert a part of our attention to maintaining that control – to be on alert for anything that threatens our power. As a result, some of our attention is diverted from focusing on what’s needed for the business.
There are several ironies here. One is that truly powerful people do not exercise power over folks; they share power. They are accessible, authentic and they seek and listen to others, regardless of where those people are on an organization chart.
A second irony is the recognition that employees control the destiny of the company. Employees are the ones who interact with customers every day. Employees carry out the day-to-day tasks that move the business along. An enlightened leader embraces this concept and does what is necessary to foster performance.
This belief in hierarchical control is not an illusion just with leadership; it is also an illusion found in the selling environment. So many sales-training programs espouse the belief that the salesperson can control the sales process. These programs teach the premise that with proper questioning and well-designed solutions, a good salesperson can turn a suspect into a prospect, and prospects into customers.
Salespeople don’t turn anyone into anything. Customers elect to become customers. How a salesperson works with that customer can help the process along. This entails collaboration and support. It does not entail leading questions or forced-choice questions. And it especially does not entail persuasion.
Consider a typical sales situation. We all know when someone is trying to sell us something. Jargon starts to come out in everyday conversation, such as ROI and a solutions sale.
Our natural reaction (borne from our safekeeping self) is to put up defenses. This type of defensive posture takes us away from the here and now. We protect ourselves, closing down our own collaborative “in the moment” self. We question the salesperson’s intent. The best salespeople avoid this scenario by not really selling in the traditional sense. Instead, they focus on building a strong relationship where trust, collaboration and support are the dominant characteristics. The best salespeople know that as soon as you start selling, as soon as you start believing you can control the process, the collaborative and supportive climate diminishes.
I polled several elite, business-development people and asked them what characteristics they focus on when interacting with clients and prospects. Their answers included:
• “The relationship always precedes the sale or the product.”
• “My baseline criteria are honesty, integrity and creating a safe environment for the customer and for me.”
• “Be real about yourself and who you are. Be open and honest to build trust.”
• “Empower the other person to trust in your honest motives.”
• “Feeling safe is a prerequisite for building trust.”
You’ll note that not once did the words “needs analysis,” “profit-improvement opportunity” or “pain point” come up. These are all important, just as ROI and cost-justified solutions are important. However, all of these discussions follow the relationship and trust. hey follow the building of a collaborative and supportive climate.
In a collaborative, supportive relationship control is shared. Strong leaders help employees find meaningfulness, and support them in that effort. Customers buy because they want to, not because you persuaded them to.
Shared control is powerful; it is not an illusion. •


Ken Cook is the managing director of Peer to Peer Advisors.

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