The holidays are meant to be a celebration, but for those who have lost loved ones it can be a hard time coping with loss. Katie Ganusko, director of hospice and palliative care at the VNA of Care New England, spoke with Providence Business News about struggling with grief during the holidays.
PBN: The holidays are often seen as a time of joy, but for those who are grieving, it can be tough. What are some common challenges for people experiencing loss during this time of year?
GANUSKO: There are many challenges that people experience with loss during the holidays. The first challenge is trying to find a way to be joyous at a time that now feels different. Traditions are not the same; the holiday just feels different without your loved one, and the normal stress during the holiday feels even heavier when experiencing grief.
It is also hard for others to understand that grief doesn’t just go away when the holidays are upon us. Sometimes we even place guilt on ourselves if we try to enjoy the holiday. It almost feels like we are betraying our loved one and not honoring them in some way.
PBN: Can you share some strategies or practices that might help people cope with their grief while still participating in holiday traditions or family gatherings?
GANUSKO: Allowing yourself some patience and grace as you navigate new experiences. It will take time to create new traditions and learn how to go forward in life without our loved ones. Often, we feel like we are leaving our loved ones behind, and memories start to fade. In reality, keeping our memories close will help to eventually feel the joy as we heal from the loss.
Grief never goes away, and ideally grief is really the sign of life that was full of love. It changes who we are, and we learn to live differently while still feeling the presence of that love. Having reasonable expectations for what you are going thru allows you to only engage in what you can handle at the moment. Small steps can pave the way because something is better than nothing.
PBN: How can friends and family members best support a grieving loved one during the holidays, especially when it's hard to know what to say or do?
GANUSKO: Although we learn to create new traditions during the holidays, it is best to keep the old traditions alive. Just because a loved one is no longer here with us does not mean their energy is gone, too. Energy is just transferred and never lost.
In my family, I will light a candle with a picture of a loved one or keep an open chair in the room to provide that presence as if they are still with us. Talking to our lost loved ones in our head helps us stay connected and provides a space to relieve thoughts off our minds and hearts. It is also OK to talk about the memories and fun times shared, which likely will bring a smile to your face and even some tears. Tears are OK too because you are giving yourself the space to feel and show emotions out of love and respect for your loved ones.
Friends and family can just simply reach out to say, “We are having a holiday gathering, we would love for you to join us and understand if it is only for a short while.” Just the invitation alone can help motivate someone to take that next step forward.
PBN: What advice do you have for someone who is struggling with feelings of isolation or loneliness during the holidays after the loss of a loved one?
GANUSKO: Sometimes it feels like we are alone because family and friends do not know how to best support someone. There are also times where we need to be alone to process those thoughts and feelings. We also must remember that grief can paralyze us, and it is best for us not to live in grief. Support groups are available, as well as independent counseling. Just having someone to talk to will help to process the grief.
Sometimes we don’t know what we need until we get to a place that feels comfortable enough to start to talk about it. There is also the feeling of being scared to talk about it because it will bring emotions forward that we don’t always know what to do with. It is OK to not know what to do with it. That is the beauty of emotion. Our bodies are made to feel emotions to help us heal. Sometimes volunteering or doing something kind for others makes us feel better inside.
PBN: Are there specific resources or programs offered by the VNA of Care New England that can help those navigating grief during the holiday season?
GANUSKO: The VNA of Care New England provides … eight 90-minute weekly [support group] sessions at community locations. Every series includes grief at the holidays/special days sessions. If you or a loved one needs bereavement services, please contact the bereavement manager at the VNA of Care New England – 401-737-6050 or email
VNABereave@vnacarenewengland.org.
Katie Castellani is a PBN staff writer. You may contact her at Castellani@PBN.com.
