Recently, I failed to RSVP even though I knew I could not attend the event. The invitation to the party sat on my desk for days, and I simply ignored it because I was just so “busy.”
The hostess finally called and – politely but firmly – let me have it. And I deserved her wrath; what I did was just plain rude.
My wife, Carol Ann, and I love to entertain. We have been on the receiving end of such inconsiderate behavior more times than I care to remember. When people don’t call or e-mail, and then show up at the last minute, or they gush at your invitation and then fail to attend, it causes chaos that could have been easily avoided with a one-minute communication.
Equally bad is the business social that gets a snub. Whether it’s a dinner, reception or golf game, you should give an answer and then honor your commitment.
Even if an RSVP isn’t requested, it’s an opportunity to make contact and stay on the radar. A quick e-mail is adequate: “Looking forward to seeing you at the retirement party for Jane on Aug. 10.” Keep it simple, don’t confuse it with other communications, and then show up.
Although I hate to admit it, I’ve been guilty of a few business blunders that have caused me some embarrassment. Sometimes I’m on overload, and with the constant additions and changes to my travel schedule, it’s hard to know where I might be on any given day.
But that’s no excuse. I own every piece of convenient technology that allows me to communicate from just about anywhere in the world. I have assistants who point me in the right direction when necessary. Yet, still, I overlook some details.
We are all preoccupied at one time or another. But that preoccupation should not become an excuse for selfishness. Nor should it be an opportunity to wait to see if something better comes up. That one really fries me.
A major concern to me is that this behavior is becoming an epidemic of bad manners, in general. I don’t expect Victorian exaggerations or some ridiculous display – just a little common courtesy. It has never been easier to communicate quickly, so there really is no excuse not to.
I consulted a good friend whose specialty is communication, particularly among generations. Lynne Lancaster, president of BridgeWorks and co-author of “When Generations Collide,” is concerned about etiquette because it “creates opportunities for a lot of frustration and misunderstandings when people don’t play by the same rule book.”
She sees the RSVP issue as part of a larger problem: “The younger generations have been raised in a fast-paced, information-saturated culture when plans can change on a moment’s notice. For young people accustomed to ever-shifting, overloaded schedules, the traditional RSVP seems too rigid.
“To complicate matters, kids are being raised with less formal attitudes toward etiquette,” Lancaster says. “They call their parents’ friends by first names, rather than ‘Mr. and Mrs. So-and-So.’ At work, they are more likely to bounce into the CEO’s office for an informal chat than book a sit-down meeting via the secretary. Busy parents often savor family time, rather than turning it into a nag session about what’s proper and what isn’t.
“Unfortunately, this means we have a younger generation that hasn’t logged enough hours learning to write thank-you notes or handle complicated social situations,” she adds. “Employers are reporting that this creates problems on the job, when younger workers have to deal with multigenerational client situations. Many organizations are adding etiquette training to their already jammed orientation programs, hoping to get every generation of new hires on the same page when it comes to social cues.”
Maybe some of us old-timers should repeat that training, too. After all, who taught these kids how to behave? A refresher course couldn’t hurt.
Good manners never go out of style. Whether it’s responding to an invitation, answering the phone or e-mail, or showing simple respect, we expose our own weaknesses when we display thoughtless or boorish behavior. I don’t know about you, but I think one of the nastiest four-letter words that someone can call me is “rude.” Especially because it doesn’t take any more effort to be polite – and it takes a whole lot of work to restore your good reputation.
Mackay’s Moral: RSVP also means “Rudeness Should take a Vacation, Permanently!”
Harvey Mackay is author of the New York Times best-seller “Pushing the Envelope.” He can be reached through his Web site, www.mackay.com, or at the Mackay Envelope Corp., 2100 Elm St., Minneapolis, MN 55414.
