We Rhode Islanders continually tout ourselves as a newer, better state than before, just the place that movers and shakers would want to be associated with. But because they haven’t come, we shovel piles of our money to so-called economic development and public relations experts to blow the Ocean State’s horn. For those of you who wonder what the movers and shakers now think of our fair state, a reporter recently rode with a tycoon who was traveling to Rhode Island to investigate our claims of greatness. Mr. Big and the journalist were joined by a representative of one of the economic development firms hired to promote Rhode Island.
The following is a transcript of conversations recorded by the reporter during the drive from Wall Street to Newport, by way of our capital city, Providence, named by Roger Williams for the faith he had in its future.
Mr. Big (MB): So, Mr. Economic Development (ED), where I come from, we rely on the digital world to smooth our way to riches. Is Rhode Island wired for the future?
ED: Wired? We invented ‘wired.” Everyone in the state is wired to someone in power; that’s how we get so much done for, I mean with, so few people. As for technology, we have implemented RIeGov.com. Almost everything related to government can be done on that website. And to avoid wasting any opportunity to generate revenues, we charge our citizens a ‘convenience fee’ to participate in the digital world. Unfortunately, to date, the fees generated have been surprisingly meager, so we’ve had to keep on all the clerks that open the State’s snail mail each day.
MB: Perhaps . . . Well, I see we have just crossed your southwest border. The roads in Connecticut are so smooth; we made good time.
ED: What was that last comment? I couldn’t hear you for the rumbling sound. I think the limo may have a bad tire.
Driver: It’s the road, my good sir. The tires are fine.
ED: We’ve now entered the Iway, Mr. Big. It is our capital city’s showpiece. We spent top dollar for it. Nothing like it anywhere else in New England. Yikes! What did we hit, a deer? Sorry about the coffee spilled on your lap, sir. I will see that you are taken to the cleaners before you leave today.
Driver: It wasn’t a deer, sir; it was a grossly mismatched expansion joint in the road. When is the Iway going to be finished? Soon, I hope. Until is it, I suggest we take this route out of our GPS.
ED: Look over there, sir. That’s our capital city’s waterfront. It borders Narragansett Bay, the jewel of Rhode Island.
MB: Wait; a large electrical tower’s in my way. Ah. There. It’s quite nice. Are those boat carcasses left over from Hurricane Irene? It took us over a month to clean up New York’s waterfront.
ED: Yes, that’s one of our priorities, sir.
MB: I saw one of your Rhode Island products on TV the other day. Jewelry by Alex and Ani, I think it was. How can I get some? I’d like to see what you do in this little state of yours.
ED: No problem. If your driver will get off on Exit 1 in Massachusetts—it’s just another mile—we’ll get some in Seekonk. It’s on our way.
MB: But why Massachusetts? Doesn’t Alex and Ani sell in Rhode Island?
ED: Of course they do. But we have a higher sales tax in Rhode Island. We get more revenue that way.
MB: But . . . Listen, I’ll to cut to the chase. If I come into Rhode Island, I expect some help from your General Assembly. I don’t want to spend all my money on taxes; I want to create jobs, build something I can be proud of. Do you have some examples of how you have assisted companies who have committed to Rhode Island?
ED: Yes, we sure do. Just a couple years ago, we scored a major coup by landing a start-up video gaming company, one led by a major sports celebrity. For a guarantee of $75 Million, we created over 150 jobs—we are now ahead of Nevada in our rate of employment. Boston and New York investors missed out on that one. They must be kicking themselves.
MB: Yea, what do they know? Nevada, no kidding? What is this pretty town? Reminds me of where I grew up in. Quaint, New Englandy, almost.
ED: This is Bristol, sir. The home of the oldest Fourth of July celebration. They have just invested millions spiffing up their main streets to emulate early New England. Notice the period lamps and how the trees overshadow the road, just like in Colonial days.
MB: It does look nice, and once they finish burying those electric wires and removing those ugly poles, especially those that are clustered together with wire and scrap wood, I imagine it will be beautiful. Until then, it looks like a bad joke.
ED: But . . . Perhaps we should go on to Newport, sir. You know, past home of the
America’s cup, where tycoons like you once frolicked?
MB: Watch those potholes, driver. God, it’s almost July; can’t your DOT keep up with the winter damage? I’ve seen enough. Let’s have a coffee milk or a Del’s lemonade together before I drop you fellows off and I hightail it back to the Big Apple. I’m sure you haven’t screwed those up. You haven’t, have you?
